Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Zulu Kings & German Girls

Many German girls can be seen backpacking and enrolling in voluntary programmes across South Africa. I don’t know why but girls from Germany are everywhere like many-germs (pun credited to Chi-Town poet ‘Dan Sully!’).

Here’s a little story involving one of those many germs and a Zulu King.

On the road I took a tour bus through the garden route and met Brazilian girls (which I’ve already spoken about) but I also met a tall, blonde, hot-pant wearing twenty year old girl from Germany. We sat together on the bus and I kept making sexual euphuisms about her favourite  chocolate bar (‘POWER NUTS!’). 

So we sat, flirted, made silly jokes and I thought about my chances of getting me one of those power nuts. She told me about her break ups and her Porsche driving father. She told me she hasn't been single since she was fourteen and she wants to be free for a while. She told me she’s in love with a married man and he was going to leave his wife for her. They made plans to meet at the airport and fly somewhere closer to the sun but he didn’t show up. A bit like the ending of a romantic novel in the 10p box of your local charity shop.

Pick N’Pay is the South African equivalent of Tesco’s. Every now and then the bus stops there so we can stock up on snacks for the road. We got off the bus and went into separate food aisles; I got my usual - twenty rand pieces of chicken, a bottle of water and a small box of fruit salad.

I got back on the bus and waited a while before she came back. When she finally emerged she was glowing with renewed excitement. The first thing she wanted me to know was that she’d taken a guys number in Pick N’Pay. She wanted me to know how much he made her laugh, how he made jokes about cats and she loves jokes about cats, she’s cats about jokes about cats. Most importantly she told me he’s a Zulu King!

The bus left and I had to sit and listen to her on the phone to the Zulu King and his stupid cat jokes! Yes, I was jealous! Who wouldn't be? Zulu Kings must be fearless warriors and freedom fighters, men of people, respected and celebrated. A Nation will mourn his death. They will build great golden monuments of his goat skin shield, raising a spear to the sky and the words “ONE ZULU NATION!” carved into a marble pedestal... yes, you cannot compete with a Zulu King.

I was trying not to listen to their conversation but it was clear they were making plans. Eventually she hung up the phone and asked the bus driver to stop. “He’s driving behind the bus, he’s going to pick me up and I’ll stay on his farm and we’ll go sky diving” “wow” I said “sky diving with a Zulu King, that’s a once in the life time opportunity!”.

The bus stopped and she climbed off and disappeared... I never saw her again.

The following week I stayed in a Zulu village myself and told the story of the Zulu King and the German girl.

I was with two Zulu guys who were dressed in shorts, T-Shirt, no socks and Nike trainers. We all sat in a hut under nostril assault.- The smell of a slaughtered goat rotting in the corner and waiting to be skinned.

The guys laughed and told me there is only one Zulu King. He is in his seventies; they also told me the chances of him being in Pick N’Pay and following a tour bus eighty miles to pick up a German girl were highly unlikely as in his village he has seventeen wives and has access to any other woman he wants.

They went on to tell me it is known that German women are gullible and many African men exploit them for power nuts.

Obviously, there is no such thing as an accurate generalisation so I hope this doesn’t make you think any less of the Germans you meet in your life. Whoever you meet and whatever you do to impress a potential mate it always helps to be a king... a Zulu King.

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