When you have sinned get another tattoo.
When you worry wash your smoking jacket.
When you are in danger you are not a boring person.
When you are depressed the sun has not been on your back.
When God seems far away, you are not displaced.
You are a bird that has to dance to fly.
When you are discouraged, remember your parents can be wrong.
When doubts come be a balloon that has been underwater.
When you are lonely or fearful, speak to that black, gay, Jewish woman.
When you forget your blessings, sneeze again.
When you grow bitter or critical grow a beard (women - grow armpit hair)
When your prayers grow selfish, shave.
When you leave home read Siddhartha (Hermann Hesse) NOT The Alchemist
When you want rest and peace, MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!